


Therapeutic Torture

by Morgana



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Community: spn_j2_bigbang, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-07
Updated: 2011-08-07
Packaged: 2017-10-22 08:55:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 23,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/236324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Morgana/pseuds/Morgana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jensen's therapist has decided that he needs to write about his feelings. It's a blog or a feelings journal, and since he's not a 13-year-old girl, he chooses the former. He's not happy about it, but as time goes by it helps him sort out increasingly difficult to deal with feelings about his very married co-star.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Therapeutic Torture

**  
October 11, 2010   
**

This is Stupid

I really can't believe I'm doing this. But Diana (my therapist) wants me to "get it all out", and my choices were this or a "feelings journal", which would make me feel even more like a 13 year old girl than I do already with this shit. I mean, okay, a blog is marginally better than the girly diary, but still - this is everything personal and private put out there for anyone to see!

Yeah, I know, privacy settings, and I've got a username I don't think anyone can figure out, so I guess I'm just gonna have to trust that it'll be okay. Diana says I've got issues with that. Trusting, I mean.

Anyway, I'm supposed to explain why I'm doing this to start. I guess that means saying why I'm in therapy, although that's kind of hard to say without going into a big long story that I really don't want to type out right now. But basically, my life has completely fallen apart over the last year, and I'm trying to get it back on track before I go crazy or try something stupid, like put a gun to my head. I thought about that, even went out and bought the gun, but I couldn't go through with it. I just kept staring at it, imagining what it would do to my parents and friends, as well as to... other people I care about, so I put it back in the case, shoved it under my bed, and called Diana to make my first appointment.

She says I'm depressed (big surprise!) and she gave me some meds to help, but she wants me to do therapy as well, try to figure out where it came from and how I can deal with it better than I have. That sounds good, since I really don't want to take pills for the rest of my life. Although right now I think they're better than having to do a stupid blog.

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**October 18, 2010**   


  
**Still Stupid**   


I guess I didn't tell Diana about the gun. I told her I'd been thinking about it and that I'd wanted to before I called, and I really thought I mentioned it, but apparently I didn't. She read that and called me at work, of all places, to make sure I wasn't going to do anything. And wasn't that fun to explain to my co-worker! He kept giving me weird looks after I hung up with her, but he didn't ask, so I didn't say anything. Besides, if Diana freaked, I can just imagine what his reaction would be. Or maybe not. Either way, I don't want to test the theory, so I kept my trap shut.

This is probably where I'm supposed to talk about my work and my co-worker. I'm an actor, and I love my job. I get to basically play pretend every single day, and there's always somebody else's headspace to get into when I don't want to be in my own. Of course, that can suck, if the person you're playing is evil or a psycho or just in a really bad place (my current character has gone through all three stages over the past several years). It's hard work, too - we work long days in all sorts of weather, get all sorts of shit and makeup plastered all over us, and pretty frustrating, too. Doing the same scene over and over royally sucks, but it's not nearly as bad as having to deal with the press. And anyone who thinks it's all about the fame has obviously never tried to make an ice cream run at 3am only to have paper and pens shoved in their face!

Don't get me wrong, I love my fans. They're the reason I still have a job, but it'd be nice sometimes to just get to do my own shopping without worrying about signing autographs and smiling for pictures. Not to mention the worry about the tabloids. Thankfully, I'm not as big as Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise - honestly, I don't know how they handle it. The constant concern, the way your personal life gets put out there for everyone to see, from the one night stand you had fifteen years ago to the way your last relationship ended, and that doesn't even begin to cover the speculations about your sexuality or how close you are with your current costar.

If I could drop all the tabloids and everyone who reads them and writes for them in a big black hole, I'd be a very happy man.

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**October 25, 2010**   


  
**Stupid the Third**   


So I'm supposed to write about people today. Diana said my last post was too much about my job and not enough about the people in my life. I tried to explain that my job doesn't really allow me to have too many people, and that I really don't want to name names, but she didn't buy it. I can make up names or use initials, but I'm supposed to talk about three people here.

I know Diana wants me to start with my coworker, but that's another really long story, so I'll go with my best friend instead. Second best, maybe, since we've kind of grown apart a little over the past few years. Still, I know he'll come through for me if I ever need him, and I'm sure he knows that about me as well. Or at least, I hope he does. I don't really know how to describe him except to say that he can be scary as hell, he's a great musician, and he's looked out for me through some pretty rough times.

One of my coworkers is a great guy (they both are, but the other one's a post for another time). He's smart, smarter than almost anybody else I know, except for maybe his wife. And he definitely knows how to handle the fans. I've learned a lot from him about that, although I don't think I could "embrace the crazy" the way he's always telling me to. It's strange - he's only a few years older than I am, but he seems so much more grown up than either me or my other coworker. And typing coworker is gonna get old real fast, might have to think about that whole initial thing.

And I know they aren't really people, but my dogs and my coworker's dogs mean more to me than a lot of people do. He's had his dogs as long as I've known him, and it was living with them that made me decide to get a dog of my own. Okay, that's not entirely true - the first dog was a gift, but the second was my idea, and I love him every bit as much. Maybe even a little more, since he had some health problems when I got him, but he's doing great now. Anyway, my coworker's dogs are really big, while my one dog's a teeny little thing (even though he isn't aware of that fact) and my other dog's still a puppy. But he's already pretty big, and with the rate that he's growing, I think he just might turn out to be the dog that ate Vancouver.

All four of them love playing together, and I have the best time watching them. They don't care about anything except having a good time, and however that happens, they're cool with it. I never really had a pet growing up - my sister's allergic, so dogs and cats were out, but after I moved in with my coworker and discovered what it was like to have that kind of unconditional love, I wanted to hang on to it. There's just something so free about it. I mean, my dogs don't care if I'm famous or not, they don't care who I sleep with or how I look - as long as they get petted and fed treats and played with, they're happy. I wish being a human was that easy.

Posted at 07:42 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Edit Entry | Edit Tags | Add to Memories | Share | Track This

  
  
**November 1, 2010**   


**  
Stupid and Sucky!   
**

Okay, therapy is really starting to piss me off. Diana read last week's post and right away started in on me. "Where's your wife in all this? Where's your family? Where's J?"

First of all, that's ex-wife, or at least it will be as of December 24th. And yeah, I know, Christmas Eve. Great day for a divorce, isn't it? But the marriage was a mistake to begin with, and no, I'm not going into that right now. Let's just say that we don't love each other that way and leave it at that.

When it comes to my family, I don't really talk to them. Every time I do, I hear about how much better my brother's marriage is, or how my sister's going to college and why didn't I try that instead of chasing an acting career? They'll never get it, no matter how good I get. I'm never going to be as good at it as Dad, and they'd certainly never accept me if they found out who I really am.

And as for J... I just don't want to talk about him. I'm not nearly ready to go there. Don't know if I ever will be, but it's my therapy and according to Diana, that makes it a safe haven to talk about anything, so I get to decide what I want to discuss and what I don't, right?

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 **  
November 8, 2010   
**

**  
Long Day   
**

Had to be up early for taping, then spent all day getting tossed around and thrown into walls before I turned down pizza and Monday Night Football at my coworker's so I could go to therapy and get told that I need to open up on this stupid thing. Really not in the mood for any of it.

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 **  
November 15, 2010   
**

**  
Pissed Off   
**

Diana said I wasn't giving it a real try. She wants to know about where things started going wrong for me. Well, fuck her.

FUCK YOU, DIANA! I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT IN YOUR OFFICE OR ON HERE!!

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**November 30, 2010**   


  
**The Joy of Family**   


I just got back from a trip to see my family. Mother wanted me to come for Thanksgiving, since I'd already told her I'd be sitting Christmas out this year, and she's too good at the guilt trip for me to say no for very long. So... yeah.

It went about as well as you'd expect, seeing as how my brother's wife is pregnant for the second time and I'm in the process of getting divorced. My sister didn't come home, so she got off easy - she went skiing with a friend from college, which meant that all the shit was able to be piled on me. Mother and Dad kept asking about my wife, wanted to know why she hadn't come with me, as though everything was fine and we aren't less than a month from finalizing. And when they weren't asking about her, they were talking about J and his wife, how happy they seem. I don't think they know, but sometimes it was hard not to just scream at them when they said how pretty she was or how in love they were, because it felt like it was me they were carving up and not the turkey.

Having J and his wife meet me at the airport when I got back definitely didn't help. They were all smiles and laughter, and while I'm glad he has someone, seeing them together hurts like hell, because I used to be the only one that could make him smile like that. It used to me he flung an arm around and gave those affectionate squeezes to, my head that he used to bury his face in when he was laughing, me that wrapped an arm around his waist and made a place for myself against his side. Now it's her.

And the worst part is that I can't hate her for it. She's sweet and friendly and funny and nice. And beautiful, too. She really is everything most guys could wish for, and it's pretty easy to see that she's head over heels for him. Just like me.

So... there you go, Diana. My secret's out. I'm in love with my coworker. My best friend, who's male and very definitely straight. He doesn't know - hell, he doesn't even know I'm not straight. Nobody knows, and my career, as well as my friendship and whatever kind of relationship I have with my family, will be over in a heartbeat if anyone ever finds out. Fuck.

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**December 3, 2010**   


**Punishment Time  
**  
Apparently honesty isn't the best policy; I'm now having sessions twice a week thanks to my little confession in the last post. Diana says I need to "come to terms with my sexuality", like everything will be just wonderful if I come out, probably in a People article with photos of me looking like I'm happy with my "life choices" and all that shit. Because of course nothing bad ever happens when people do that.

At least we're on break at the moment, so two sessions a week is easier to do than it will be if I still have to do that when I go back. I mean, Diana's been really good at staying late for me, and the DP's been pretty understanding about working the shooting schedule around me needing to take off after supper once a week, but I'm not sure how twice is going to work. Not to mention. there's only going to be so long that I can hide it from J before he starts pestering me to find out where I'm going and what I'm doing. He's already seemed pretty suspicious of my absences, and I'm actually kind of surprised that he hasn't started in on it yet. Probably waiting until hiatus is over and we go back to work. I have no idea what kind of excuse to give him, but I know I can't tell him the truth. He'd never understand, and I don't think I can explain without making myself sound even more pathetic and lame than I know I am..

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**December 6, 2010**   


**  
Therapy Goals   
**

Diana wants me to come up with goals for therapy now. Like I'm supposed to freaking know! I started this because my choices were talk to somebody or blow my brains out, and I just want to figure out how to not ever be in that place again. But I don't know if I've got any real goals - I mean, my life's a lot better than a lot of people's. Okay, there's sucky parts like my divorce and my family and me being head over heels in love with a straight guy that thinks of me as his fucking brother, but sometimes I think about people that are out there dealing with all sorts of shit like abuse and drug addictions and not having money to pay rent while they worry about keeping their kids fed, and that's when I really start to feel like a whiny Hollywood brat for complaining about my life. I have a job I love and unless I start trying to live like a rap star, money's not likely to be an issue for me.

I guess my biggest goal, if I have to come up with one, would be to figure out what I want to do with my life once the show wraps. I know I want to keep acting, but maybe a break wouldn't be a bad thing, just for a few months while I try to get my head on straight. It's going to suck not seeing J every day after I've gotten so used to talking to him all the time, and I know we'll say we'll keep in touch, but we probably won't. That's just kind of how it goes in this business; you make friends and then leave to go to a different set, where you exchange emails and occasional phone calls, but by and large, when the project's over, so's the friendship. So maybe another goal should be learning to get along without him now, before it hits and I have a real breakdown or something equally pathetic.

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**December 9, 2010**   


  
**Positive Thinking**   


Diana says I'm too negative in my outlook. But she wanted my goals, not what doesn't need working on! I don't get it - I try to not talk about what's bothering me, and I'm not taking therapy seriously. I try to look at it and I'm being too negative. WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?

Anyway, I'm supposed to say three good things about the show wrapping on here. Diana has a real thing for threes, it seems. First is that I love sleeping late on mornings when we don't have a crack of dawn call, so I'll get to do that for a while. I can go back to the states and not have to worry about the current standing of the dollar or conversion rates or anything like that when I want to buy something or pay the bill at a restaurant. And I won't have to put up with freezing winters anymore, although I think I'll kind of miss looking out at the snow right after it's fallen.

So there you go, Diana. Three things that I can look forward to. AND NOT A DAMN ONE OF THEM IS GOING TO MAKE UP FOR LOSING J!!

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**December 14, 2010**   


  
**Freedom!**   


No therapy at all this week! I never thought I'd look forward to doing voiceovers and dubbing, not to mention interviews, but it's getting me out of therapy, so hallelujah! Plus it means getting to hang out with J for the next few days, so that's an extra bonus. I did have to still promise to write on the blog, but that's a small thing compared with doing the silent stare-off with Diana for the next week while she tries to make me talk about my divorce.

Leaving for LA on Friday morning, and with the holidays and all, I'm getting off with just a phone therapy session next week before I can take off until after New Year's. I know I probably shouldn't be so happy not to have therapy, but it's going to be a relief to get away from all of it for a while. I can do the guy thing - hang out, have a few beers, and do my best to pretend everything's great. I might still have to dodge a few questions, but J usually knows enough to drop it when I tell him I don't want to talk about something. Diana's probably never going to do that. And I guess that's good. I mean, it's what I pay her for, but it can really suck when she just keeps pushing and won't let up, especially over the whole divorce thing. I just want to get the papers signed and get it all over with so we can both go on with our lives.

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**December 17, 2010**   


  
**Getting Aggravated**   


I swear to God, if one more person asks me how I'm doing and gives me their concerned face, I'm going to lose it! I know that I'm getting divorced next week - I don't need people treating me like I'm going to break if they say something in the bargain!

It started with J being all weird when we were doing promo voiceovers on Monday. He kept giving me these strange looks, like he couldn't believe I was at work and not curled up in a corner somewhere completely losing my shit. But he didn't say anything until we'd finished up with the interviews on Tuesday, and then he gave me this really awkward pat on the shoulder and asked if I wanted to come spend Christmas with him and his wife. Because them being all lovey-dovey and happy while they exchange presents and kiss every other minute is just what I need right after my divorce is finalized. I told him no thanks, that I was staying in LA until New Year's, and then had to promise to call him after I got out of court and on Christmas night and the second I got back before he'd get off my back about him being there "if you need to talk or anything".

I wonder what he'd have said if I told him that what I really need is to get laid. Or if I explained that I'm not going to call him right away when I get to LA because I plan on being too busy getting blown by the first willing guy I come across.

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 **  
December 20, 2010   
**

  
**LA at Last**   


I always forget how much I hate LA until I come back to it. But at least here I'm unimportant enough to go out for a night without worrying too much about photographers. They're all too busy trying to get shots of Paris Hilton and Britney Spears to bother with a TV actor, although J draws them like flies. Of course, part of that might be the way he likes to hang all over me when we're at a premiere or party.

But I'm supposed to be forgetting about J. And I did a pretty good job of it Saturday night. I know I said I was going out right away, but jet lag caught up with me, so I just called my best friend here and we met up for dinner. Luckily, his show's on a different filming schedule from mine, or else I'd never get to see him. It was nice catching up with him, especially since he didn't ask about my divorce or J like almost anybody else would've. We got some burgers and beer and just hung out for a while, and it was what I needed, a chance to get away from all the bullshit.

I went to a party Saturday and ended up bringing somebody back to my hotel room. That wasn't exactly what I had in mind - I was thinking more along the lines of a quick blowjob in the bathroom, but when he offered to let me fuck him if I took him back with me, I wasn't about to turn that down. Especially since I know he has his own career, so he's not about to go running to the press or anything. I'm not going to bother with a play-by-play, since that's pretty much the definition of tacky, but it was hot and good, and I'll probably be jerking off to parts of it for months, so that makes for a good night in my book.

Have a meeting with my agent tomorrow, and I know she's going to want to talk about my career for after the show, but I'm not going there right now. If we don't get renewed by the time shooting wraps, I'll read whatever she wants to send me. In all honesty, though, I kind of think I want to take a break for a little while if we're canceled. It might be nice to take some time off and not have to worry about going out for auditions right away.

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**December 24, 2010**   


  
**D-Day**   


Well, it's over. I'm divorced. We had to wait a while for our case to be called, but once we went up there, it was over in about five minutes. Kind of hard to believe that we spent months talking to lawyers and splitting everything up and the whole thing was over just like that. I thought I'd be relieved, or maybe upset, but right now I'm still in shock, waiting for it all to set in.

I really shouldn't have married her. We started going out after we worked on a movie together, and when people assumed we were a couple, I didn't correct them because it's easier to be part of one than not. Especially in this business. That probably makes me the world's biggest pussy, but it's better than being outed and suddenly going from "that actor" to "that gay actor", which is what usually happens when someone comes out. Like talent doesn't matter anymore, because being gay is the only thing that matters about them. Anyway, she didn't mind and I liked hanging out with her - she's got a killer sense of humor and she's fun to be around, but then the higher ups started asking both of us why we weren't "moving forward". I think they were getting nervous about rumors of things going on with me and J (I only wish those had been true!) and they wanted to prove that their precious little stars are straightstraightstraight. Well, I'm notnotnot, but I let myself be talked into an engagement anyway, just to get them off my back.

It wasn't supposed to get this far, but then J proposed to the girl he was seeing and they got married. Like, really quickly. I thought she might be pregnant for a while, then realized that it's just how he does things, fast and all the way. He's like that, the kind of guy who'll say he wants to go somewhere and then two days later he's shoving tickets at you. I never know when he's going to decide to do that - he surprised me at a play I was in once, showed up in the front row and everything, just because I mentioned that I wished he could've seen me. So before it's always worked in my favor, but then it didn't.

Once he was married, I figured I might as well go ahead and do the same thing. Everyone was expecting it, and I liked her, so I thought that was enough. And it might have been. It's not like we had to live together, since she's on a different show and lives in LA, but then she met somebody and it isn't fair to keep her tied to me in a fake marriage when she might have a chance at something real. Besides, I'm getting tired of lying, trying to pretend that I'm happy when I'm not, trying to act like I miss her when I don't, especially when it's obvious that J hates being away from his wife. They've got a good marriage, the kind of thing I would've wanted him and me to have, and the more I saw it, the more I realized that I needed to end it.

There wasn't all that much to worry about, but we had to have lawyers because of property rights and stuff. I let her have most of the wedding gifts, she gave me the dogs, and we both signed non-disclosure agreements. Not that she knows about me being in love with J or anything, but this way the network can quit worrying that one of us is going to go on Letterman and spill a whole bunch of dirty secrets. We're doing our best to stay friends, the way we should've been from the beginning. She was asking me about my plans for Christmas and invited me to go over to her place tomorrow, but I think I'm just going to stay here, maybe order something from room service or whatever. Not in that much of a holiday mood, and I don't want to bring anybody else down with me, especially since it's her first Christmas with her new guy.

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**December 25, 2010**   


  
**Merry Fucking Christmas**   


I think I really underestimated how much this Christmas was going to suck. Having the divorce go through yesterday pretty much guaranteed that it wasn't going to be one of the top five Christmases in my life, but I could handle that. But this morning I woke up and started thinking about last year, back before there were wives and divorces and shit, when it was just me and J and the dogs on Christmas morning.

J loves Christmas - he's one of those people that decorate as soon as Thanksgiving's over and doesn't take anything down until the day before we go back to work. Ever since I grew up, I haven't been that into it, but there's no way I could share a house with J anytime near the holidays and not end up helping with the tree or hanging stockings. And I admit, it's pretty fun, putting the ornaments up and filling the stockings (the dogs have stockings too and yeah, I know it's stupid, but you try looking at J and telling him no). Besides, watching them go nuts when they smell the treats and new toys inside is almost as much fun as seeing J's face when he digs into his stocking to get the stuff that I put in there for him. This must be why parents seem to like Christmas as much as their kids, getting to see somebody light up when they find the surprise you put out for them.

Anyway, I was thinking about that and about how I'll never get to do that again. Even if I had spent Christmas at J's the way I'm sure he would've pressured me into if I'd been up there, it wouldn't be like last year. His wife will fill his stocking this year and next year and all the other years, and they'll fill the dogs' stockings together and they'll cuddle while they unwrap presents and they won't get each other stupid gag gifts like he and I do. We always get each other two presents, one silly one and one real one. At least, we used to. I don't know what he did this year, although I got him two, just like usual.

Then on top of all that, I started missing my dogs. I don't get to spend nearly as much time with them as I'd like, and breaks are usually a good chance to catch up, but I'm stuck here for another week, and by the time I get back, I'll only have another week or so before I have to go back to work and my usual insane schedule. I thought about bringing them down with me, but it seemed like a lot of stress to put them through, with flying and new places, just for two weeks. So they're with the dog walker, and I'm here. No dogs, no family, no wife, no J.

I already called down to room service and ordered a steak, since eating a turkey dinner alone is just too depressing to think about, but now I think I'll see if they can bring up something to drink as well. Maybe a little JD or some Patron, something to make the day pass a little quicker. I know, not a good idea to drink alone, but spending Christmas alone is turning out to be crappier than I thought it would be, so whatever will make it better is what I'm going with.

Posted at 04:39 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Edit Entry | Edit Tags | Add to Memories | Share | Track This

  
  
**December 27, 2010**   


**  
I'm Pathetic   
**

Proof of my patheticness can be found in the fact that I just got off the phone with the airline. It took me more than two hours and cost me an extra $150, but I managed to get a ticket out of here tonight. Going back early isn't what's making me pathetic, though - it's the fact that I'm doing it because J asked me to, and I apparently don't know how to say no to him.

He called yesterday, just like he's called every morning since Friday, like he thinks I'm going to end up drinking myself to death here because I'm alone and newly divorced. And okay, so I was pretty obviously hungover when he called after Christmas, but seeing as how my life's still basically seven different kinds of fucked up, I think I'm entitled to a few drinks! I'd tell him to leave me alone, but truthfully, I kind of like knowing he worries about me. He always has, and if it's not him, it's his mom, who's always sending care packages with stuff like gloves and mufflers and homemade cookies. When I moved in with him, she included me in all of that, and she didn't stop when I moved out, so every so often he'll show up to set with a package for me. Mother's never done that, so it was weird at first, but it's gotten easier to understand, especially after I went back to his family's place one year for Christmas.

That was one of my best Christmases ever. They really do it up, with lights everywhere and a huge tree that's got all sorts of ornaments on it, everything from whatever cheap plastic stuff Hallmark was selling to things J and his brother and sister made, to the heirloom handpainted balls his grandmother got from her grandmother and the Steuben glass set I got for her when J and I were in London on a press tour. His mom starts baking about a week before Christmas, and the house smelled like gingerbread and fresh bread the whole time we were there. She had Christmas music on all the time, too - good stuff, like the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and Alan Jackson and Johnny Cash. We didn't have to do anything but hang out, watch football with his dad and brother, and let his mom feed us. It was great, and I really hated leaving.

Anyway, J wanted me to "come back home" where he could keep an eye on me, he said. I didn't know how to tell him that Vancouver isn't really home anymore, but that I don't know where it is now. It's not LA, I know that, and I'm sure it's not Dallas, either, but it hasn't been Vancouver since I moved out of his house. That was the last place I really felt comfortable calling home, which pretty much brings me back around to the whole me being pathetic thing. I mean, that's really pathetic, calling my best friend's house my home just because he's there and I used to live there with him, right?

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**December 29, 2010**   


**  
Back   
**

I meant to write something earlier, but it's been a pretty hectic couple of days, and I haven't been home much, so there hasn't really been time. I told myself that it doesn't really matter, since I'm not in therapy again until after New Year's, but I did promise I'd try, so I guess a quick catch-up is in order. Besides, it kind of helps me keep things straight, writing it all down.

J picked me up from the airport when my flight got in, and for once, his wife wasn't with him. She got called in to audition for a part in a pilot, so she's off in New York. I guess she left that morning and I got back that afternoon, which meant J got to spend the whole day going back and forth to the airport. He said he didn't mind, and I have to admit that I liked getting off the plane knowing there was a hug waiting for me. And I didn't have to deal with a taxi, so that was a plus, as well.

We ended up grabbing supper from one of our old favorite takeout places and going back to his house to play video games, watch a movie, and exchange presents. And he did get me a gag gift - a bright pink vibrator. It matches the pink handcuffs from last year and the pink paddle from the year before that. And no, it's not some kind of subconscious message or anything - it started with a pink dildo that our makeup girl got as a joke at her bridal shower. J and I used to steal it all the time and put it in each other's trailers, and he bought one for me that Christmas, and that started the gag gifts. I got him a pair of really ugly cowboy boots and a shirt to match, then cracked up laughing when he tried them on and I saw exactly how awful they were on him. The real gifts were even better than the jokes - he got me a membership to a vintage wine-of-the-month club and I got him an antique pocket watch that used to belong to F Scott Fitzgerald. One of these days I'm going to track down an autographed first copy of The Great Gatsby for him. The whole day was great, just like it used to be when it was just the two of us there. His dogs laid all over us, and I ended up staying over because it got too late to expect him to drive me back and we'd both had a couple of beers.

He made breakfast in the morning and asked if I wanted to take the dogs to the dog park after I picked my dogs up. It seemed rude to say no, so I went to get the boys from the sitter's and we all went to the park, where the dogs got to play while J and I watched them. I could tell he wanted to ask about LA and the divorce and why it didn't work and everything, but I can't talk about it yet. Not with him. Luckily, he's one of those guys that really doesn't push the issue, so when I didn't take the chances he gave me, he let it drop. Maybe we'll talk about it sometime, but right now it's just too hard to explain.

Once the dogs were tuckered out, we headed back and I forced myself to turn down his offer of making dinner for me as well. I wanted to, wanted to just follow him home and stay as long as he'd let me or until his wife got back, but I know that's not a good idea. So I pretended I had other plans, even if it sucked watching his face fall before he grinned and said that I'd better not have them for New Year's Eve. Apparently one of our mutual friends is having one of his parties, which almost always wind up being the big bashes nobody likes to miss. J's always loved those parties, so I agreed to go. It wasn't until he told me he'd pick me up at nine that I wondered if I'd somehow just ended up with a date for New Year's Eve without meaning to. A date with my straight, married best friend. Fuck.

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**January 3, 2011**   


  
**Holy Shit**   


I kissed J. Or maybe he kissed me. I'm still a little fuzzy on the details of how it all happened. I just know that somehow, we wound up kissing. And it wasn't a tiny little peck on the lips, either - I'm talking full-on, tongues sliding around, making out, hot enough to melt steel, here!

We went to the party on New Year's and both of us got pretty drunk, but that wasn't where it happened. For one thing, everyone there knows he's married and not into guys, and a couple of them know I am, so there were a few hot guys that I got introduced to that seemed like they'd be interested if I wanted to get to know them. There was one there I would've seriously considered, but I don't want to be the cliche guy that starts humping everyone in sight the second his divorce is final, so I settled on asking him to dance. I'm still not sure why J didn't seem to like that, but at one point he dragged me away from the dance floor and told me we were leaving before midnight. I'd kind of been hoping for a kiss or two, so I told him I wanted to stay and he didn't look happy with it, but he agreed. Unfortunately, I didn't get to kiss the guys I'd been flirting with, since J made sure we were around a whole bunch of the other married couples at midnight, but we all hugged each other and then we left and went back to J's house.

He wanted to play video games, but we were both fading pretty fast, so we ended up crashing on the couch and waking up late the next day. Sometime around noon, I think. J let the dogs out and got us both water and aspirin, and we settled down to watch a few bowl games. We ordered pizza when we felt like we could handle food, and I called the dog sitter to ask her to keep the boys an extra night, and I figured we'd have another video game night. J mentioned the party, and he seemed kind of down, like he wished he hadn't gone. I thought all the married couples had made him miss his wife, and I was going to suggest that he call her at one point, and that was when we ended up kissing.

I wasn't really sure what was going on, but when he didn't shove me away and hit me, I couldn't stop. It's hard to describe what was it like, since I was just kind of getting into it - and I mean really into it - when one of the dogs stuck their nose up against his neck. He pulled away and laughed, and I thought that was it, but then he kissed me again and told me to stay put while he got their dinner set out. While they ate, we made out some more, just kind of getting a feel for it, even though I know I'd have done whatever he wanted. He didn't push it, though, so I have no clue about what he was doing, but I know he was hard - I could feel him, and there were a couple of points where it was really hard to keep my hands off him.

Eventually he broke it off and said he was going to call for Chinese. He kissed me one more time and went to order the food, and when he got back, it was like the whole thing had never happened. We argued over the last eggroll like we always do, made fun of the fortunes in the fortune cookies, and watched the Canucks beat the Avalanche. The whole time I kept wanting to ask him what the fuck had just happened, but every time I opened my mouth to ask, he'd turn this happy smile on me, and I'd chicken out. I didn't want to make that smile go away, so I just watched the game and said I'd forgotten about an early morning conference call when he asked me to stay. I couldn't trust myself not to try something if I spent the night there, and I really don't want to lose my best friend because one of us couldn't keep it in our pants. Again.

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**January 10, 2011**   


  
**Therapy Sucks**   


Diana read the blogs from the break and she didn't cut me any slack at all. She was glad I wrote, but she thinks I focus "too much on external things and not enough on emotions". She told me I have to decide to get serious about therapy or find another therapist, and since I really don't want to start all over and have to worry about somebody going to the press or something, I'm going to try to do this her way. Besides, I really would like to learn to be more open, so if I have to start with a blog, then I guess that's what I've got to do.

Anyway, I'm supposed to write about marriage, since that's a big part of why I went to therapy in the first place. Diana wants to know about marriages I've seen and what my own marriage was like, as well as why it failed. My parents have been married almost forty years, so I guess I'll start there, since I never really noticed my grandparents' marriages. Dad's an actor and Mother's an actor's wife - she stayed home to take care of the three of us, went to charity functions and awards ceremonies and stuff with Dad, and when I got old enough to start going on auditions and booking jobs, she took me. I didn't really pay a lot of attention to what they were like as a married couple when I was growing up, but I did like knowing that they were still together when my friends' parents were getting divorced more and more as I got older.

Most of my friends aren't married, so I haven't seen a lot of marriages around them, except for J's friend who's been married and divorced, but he's a dick, so he doesn't count. There's my co-star that I mentioned earlier, and his wife's completely awesome. She's easily the smartest person I've ever met, and she can put just about anybody in their place, but she doesn't act like she's better than everybody else even though she probably is. We're all on our toes whenever she visits, my co-worker most of all. It's easy to see that he loves her, and he's one of the few people I know who isn't intimated or scared by her smarts or wit. He says they push each other to do better, that she's what he needs to get his ass in gear, and I admire that, but don't think I'd want it for myself. My other co-star (no, not J - I'll get to him in a minute) was married, but his wife died of cancer before the show started. He still chokes up sometimes when he talks about her, so I try not to ask about her too much. But it's easy to see that he still loves her and misses her.

And then there's J. I didn't really know what to think when J got married. His wife was on our show, and I knew they hung out sometimes, but I never thought it was more than friends. Everybody could see that she had a crush on him, but that's nothing unusual. He'd mentioned he was seeing someone, but he didn't say it was serious. One day he had a new girlfriend and the next he had a fiance and then a wife. And he seems really happy when he's with her, so I guess she's the right one for him. Although I don't know what the kissing meant, since we've never talked about it, whether he was drunk or they're having problems or what. Anyway, his wife's nice and they spend a lot of time together, which sometimes makes being in love with him really hard. It'd be easier if she wasn't so sweet, if she was a bitch and I could just hate her for having him, but she's always worrying about me and inviting me over, telling J that he needs to spend time with me, so that makes hating her impossible.

I know I'm supposed to end up talking about my marriage, but it's late and I have an early call, so I'll do that next time. I'm not trying to get out of it, I promise. This just took a lot longer than I thought it would, and there's a lot of stuff to talk about when it comes to my marriage. And if I show up at makeup with dark circles under my eyes, there's going to be questions and rumors, and I really don't need that. So hopefully this will do for now and I'll finish the rest up before next week's session.

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**January 13, 2011**   


  
**Keeping My Promise**   


Okay, so it wasn't the next day, but it's been a busy week. We've had the shooting schedule from hell, and it's been all I've been able to do to drag my ass home and fall in bed every night so I can get up at the crack of dawn and do it again the next day. Our producers like to get as much done as soon as possible, so there's time for retakes or even rewrites if they change their minds. They've done that before, completely changed the last couple of episodes, and we were really glad we had the extra time then. Hopefully they won't do that now, though - I'd like to actually have a life sometime before summer this year.

So I promised to talk about my marriage. I mentioned it before, how we met and started hanging out and people thought we were dating, and I know I should've been clear about it then, but it seemed easier to let everyone think whatever they wanted. She knew the truth about me liking guys, I told her about that once we started getting to be really good friends, although I never said anything about J. I think she might suspect, though, because she flew up here for a visit when she heard he was getting married, like she knew I needed someone to keep me from doing something stupid. She promised she'd never tell anyone about the guy thing unless I said it was okay, and she hasn't, even through all the shit that's gone down over the last few months, so I'm pretty sure she never will.

I should've said no to the marriage, too, but it seemed like the answer to everything. Mother could have her society event, and it would be good for both of our careers. It turned out to be a really bad idea, though. Once we got married, there were all these questions in the press and from the network about whether she was going to change her name and why she wasn't living with me and when we were going to have a family, and it just got to be too much. For a little while I even thought she was buying into the whole thing, that she wanted a real marriage, but she told me later she was just trying to hold up her end of the bargain and make it look good. It was never going to work, I know that now, and I was relieved when she told me she'd met someone and she thought we needed to go ahead and end it.

Who gets relieved when their marriage is over? I mean, it's supposed to be this big deal, traumatic and all that, not something that makes you glad it's done with! And I'm pretty sure that going out with her and her new guy isn't allowed, even if we did all meet up for lunch before we went to court. She seems really happy with him, and he's definitely head over heels for her. They couldn't stop touching - nothing too obvious, just her playing with his hands and him stroking her hair, but it hurt to watch, since it's how J touches his wife and how sometimes I wish I could touch him.

I don't think I was trying to replace J with her, but ever since Diana asked, I've tried to really think about it. I think what I wanted was to be normal, to have some of what I see people all around me having, but it didn't work because I don't love her like that. Don't get me wrong - I do love her, she's one of my best friends and always will be, but you have to love someone in a very special way to be married to them and make it work, and neither one of us feel that way about the other. Maybe her new guy can give her that kind of love. I hope so, since she deserves it, but as happy as I am for her, I'm incredibly jealous as well because I can't have anything even close to that. Not with the person I want, anyway, and trying to have it with anyone else right now would lead to another situation like I just got out of. I have to get over J first before I can try with somebody else. That's one thing my marriage taught me. But I really do want the whole relationship and happily ever after, stupid as that might sound, even if I've said before that I didn't.

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 **  
**   
  
**January 17, 2011**   


**  
Breakthrough   
**

Diana was really happy with my last few entries. She says I made a breakthrough in looking at what went wrong and what I want out of life and relationships. I'm not sure what that's supposed to feel like, but it is kind of a relief, being able to say that I want something serious and permanent, even if I know I can't have it right now. Waiting to get over him sucks ass, though.

J and I still haven't talked about making out. I'd chalk it up to him being drunk, but I know we only had a couple beers each, and it takes more than that to really get him hammered. So did he kiss me because he wanted to or was it about something going on in his marriage? Or maybe he really wants me, the way I want him? I'm almost scared to think that he might have actually meant that, that it could finally be happening for me. This is really bugging me, though - I don't want to lose my best friend over this, but I can't just make out with him when I want so much more, especially when I don't know what the hell is going on!!

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 **  
January 25, 2011   
**

**  
He Did It Again!   
**

I went over to J's last night instead of going to therapy. He wanted to hang out, and it's the first time he's asked since we made out, so I figured maybe I could get some answers about what happened. At the very least I could find out if we were still friends. So I rescheduled with Diana, which meant I got to leave set with J instead of rushing away early like I've been doing for months. It was nice to ride home with him the way I used to, both of us just kind of winding down from the day. I get uncomfortable around most people when there's no conversation, but J's different. He always has been. We can sit somewhere for hours and hardly talk, and it's great.

When we got to his house, we heated up some leftover spaghetti that was sitting in the fridge and played Madden for a while, and it seemed like things were back to normal, with both of us tossing out insults and rubbing it in whenever we made a touchdown. Then right after I finished kicking his ass, he grinned at me, said, "Nice job, dude," and leaned over to kiss me! The fucker did it again, just kissed me without even asking permission!

I pulled back and asked him what the hell he thought he was doing and he just said, "Why? Don't you like it?" Not like I could say I didn't (unless I wanted to lie my ass off), so I ended up dropping the controller and making out with him for the better part of an hour. We didn't do anything besides kiss and dry hump a little - nothing major, and definitely not enough to get off on. I don't know if this is him trying to see if I'm interested in dating or if he's decided to experiment with his sexuality and figured I'd be a good person to try stuff out on, seeing as how I'm not likely to punch him in the nose for it, but we're going to have to get this sorted out soon or I'm gonna end up with some serious blue balls. Not that I'm sure I'd stop even if I knew it wasn't ever going to go farther than this - kissing J is more than I ever thought I'd get to do and I really don't want this to end before it has to. Besides, he's a really good kisser.

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**January 31, 2011**   


**  
Okay, So I Think I Have It Figured Out   
**

Rumor around the set is that J's wife has left him. Nobody's seen her around since Christmas, and J isn't mentioning her like he used to. He hasn't said anything to me either way, but part of that might be the fact that any time we've spent alone together, he's usually had his tongue in my mouth and we've been too busy for talking.

We're still just making out, but I think he's getting ready to take it further. His hands have ended up on my ass a lot lately, and he's doing a little more pressing against me, which is just about to drive me crazy. I swear, I haven't jerked off this much since I was fifteen! But J just does it for me, and whenever he ducks into my trailer over lunch or asks me to come over for a movie or supper or whatever, I can't seem to say no to him. Luckily he doesn't seem to realize that, because I'm sure he'd be taking advantage of that every chance he got if he did. And he takes enough advantage of just being gorgeous and a great kisser as it is.

I don't know what to think about the rumors. I mean, on the one hand I hope they're true, because then I can have J all to myself, even if this does end up just being a rebound thing for him. But I don't think it is - he's never had any rumors about him and guys before, so I think a lot of the hesitation is just him trying to figure out what he wants. And on the other hand, I don't want themto be true, even if it means we have to stop whatever it is we've been doing. He's happy when he's with her, was grinning like a fool on his wedding day and he said once that he's been happy at least once every single day since. I don't want him to lose that, even if it means I have to lose him.

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**February 7, 2011**   


  
**Fucking FINALLY!**   


I spent the weekend in J's bed. And it was so much better than I ever thought it could be. I'm really having to restrain myself from putting down every last filthy detail, just because I want to write it all down, both so I never forget it and so I can convince myself it's real. It really happened. I slept with J. We fucked, although it was so much more than a cheap pickup. I know what he looks like and sounds like when he cums, what he tastes like and feels like, and I think I may never stop smiling.

It was so hard to go back to set today and act pensive and moody. I kept catching sight of J and wanting to just drag him off somewhere. I wanted to ravish him right there on set, bite his neck and see if I can get him to groan for me like he did last night. I wanted to laugh and throw my arms around him and tell everyone I saw about it. It's real - J wants me every bit as much as I want him! Hard to believe, still feels like I'm walking around in a dream, even if I have all the aches in all the right places to prove I'm not.

He's gorgeous when he cums, by the way. Not that that's much of a surprise - I knew he would be. As gorgeous as he is anyway, he's even more beautiful when he's coming apart, especially when I know that it's me that did that to him.

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**February 10, 2011**   


  
**Walking On Air**   


All week long J and I have been sneaking kisses - and more - on set. I'm sure I probably sound like a fifteen-year-old girl, but this has seriously been the best week of my life. He called on Monday after I posted and asked if I could come over, and I've spent every night since then at his house. I should probably feel guilty about how I drop everything to go running when he asks, or at least at how little time I've been spending with my dogs, but honestly, it's worth it. It's worth anything to see him smile at me right before he leans in for a kiss or to wake up to see him watching me.

He's coming over for the weekend after work tomorrow. Both sets of dogs are going to the sitter's, so they'll get to hang out with their buddies while J and I spend the weekend rolling around in bed together. I don't plan on letting him up until Sunday night, and that's only because I know we'll both need a good night's sleep to recover and we certainly wouldn't get one if we spent it together. But Sunday's three whole days away, three days that'll be filled with sex and J. And best of all - sex with J!

Okay, enough gushing. I've got to grab some clothes and head back to J's, since he thinks I'm only here to check on the dogs and leave a note for my housekeeper to make sure we have enough food for the weekend. I couldn't tell hm about the blog yet, don't want him knowing how badly I've been screwed up, especially since none of it matters anymore. I'm so happy it almost scares me. This is amazing, perfect and wonderful and a dream come true. And it might end badly, but for now I have J and I don't want to miss a second of it!

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**February 14, 2011**   


**  
Fucked Up Valentine's   
**

Today started out better than any Valentine's Day I've ever had. It's the first one that there's been someone I really wanted to share it with, and even though I can't say I love him yet and he doesn't say much beyond dragging me to the closest bed/wall/flat surface, it's there. I feel it and for once I thought I wouldn't have to watch everyone else go off with their valentines while I go home alone.

J seemed to be just as excited as I was. We kept trading looks during filming, and I could tell he wanted me and it's no secret that I want him just about all the time, so when we wrapped earlier than we expected, I wasn't surprised when he came to my trailer after he got his makeup off and got changed. We've been trying to be careful about things on set, but there's been a time or two we couldn't wait and we've slipped away for a quickie blowjob or something during lunch. So I figured we were going to get started on set and then head back to his place, where I was fully expecting to get fucked right through the mattress all night long.

He pulled me down on my couch and started kissing me, and it was fucking hot right from the start. Things were great until J's cell phone rang. We had to stop kissing so he could answer it, but it wasn't until I heard him say, "Hi honey" that I realized who he was talking to. His wife. As in, the woman he's married to, and apparently not divorcing anytime soon, if the way he said, "I love you" at the end of the call is anything to go on. Not to mention that he lied to her, said we were doing reshoots and that's why he'd be home late.

When he hung up, he smiled at me like he hadn't just told a shitload of lies to the wife that he never bothered to tell me was still very much a part of his life and asked, "You wanna go back to your place now?" And I know I should've kicked him out right then and there, but I ended up take him back to my apartment and letting him fuck me nearly unconscious. I'd planned on getting to spend the night with him, falling asleep beside him and waking up for an early morning blowjob before we had to go back to set. Instead he took a shower and let himself out sometime around midnight while I faked sleep so I wouldn't be tempted to do something stupid, like throw the closest heavy object at his head or call his wife and let her know where he was and what he'd really been doing instead of reshoots.

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**February 25, 2011**   


**  
Suckier Still   
**

I took Diana's advice and confronted J on the situation with his wife last weekend. He had me over at the house and told me to bring enough clothes for both days when he picked me up on Friday, so I decided I needed to know what was going on. Of course, I chickened out the first few times I tried, so it was Sunday afternoon before I managed to ask about his wife and what was going on with their marriage and where what we were doing fit into all of that. He gave me a confused look and said, "You knew I was married when we started this."

I didn't really have an answer for that, so I just nodded and dropped it, then made an excuse to leave about an hour later. He looked disappointed enough that I nearly asked if he wanted me to stay, then he said that he'd been planning on blowing me after the movie, and that was that. I needed to get out of there. I couldn't sit on the sofa that his fucking wife picked out and let him blow me and know that I'm only there because she's out of town this weekend. If she were here, would he be going down on her and fucking her instead, or would he have come up with some reason that he needed to be at my place?

He's married - yeah, I knew about that. But he's lying to his wife and sneaking around so he can fuck me, and I didn't count on that. I don't know how this happened, but I'm the other woman. Fuck my life. Seriously.

Posted at 07:38 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Edit Entry | Edit Tags | Add to Memories | Share | Track This

  
  
**March 7, 2011**   


**  
It's Over   
**

I ended things with J. Diana's right - I deserve better than being somebody's dirty secret. If we're going to be together, and especially if I'm going to be with J, I want it to be out in the open. And God, I never thought I'd say that, that I'd seriously consider outing myself for somebody, but if it was going to be for anyone, it would be for him. He's worth it, and if he doesn't feel the same way about me, then we don't belong together.

Telling him we were through was so hard, probably the hardest thing I've ever done. He gave me this look that made me feel like I'd just kicked every last puppy in the world as hard as I could, and for a second I thought he was going to say that he loved me. That's when I had to ask him to leave, because if he'd said that, I couldn't have gone through with it. If he actually said the words, I'd give up everything else without thinking twice - screw self-respect and what I deserve. But I know I'd end up resenting him for what he couldn't give me, so I told him to get out before he could say anything.

He didn't argue after that, just turned around and walked out. Now I'm sitting here reminding myself of what Diana said, that anybody that won't fight for me and love me openly doesn't deserve me. And even if he does love me, he's got a wife. He chose her when he started sneaking around with me and lying to her instead of breaking it off with her first.

I just hope I can remember all this the next time he looks at me like I'm a steak and he's starving. I'm afraid I won't, that I'll cave and forget all of it, just to get more of J. Worst part of it is that we've got to go back to work tomorrow and I have to act like none of this ever happened or else there'll be a shit ton of rumors about both of us. And then there'll be calls from the network and both of our agents, not to mention our mothers, and neither of us really need that right now. Especially me.

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March 11, 2011   
**

  
**One Week Down**   


I don't think I've ever been so glad to get to the end of a week as I am today. All week long, J and I have done our best to avoid each other whenever we weren't both needed on set, while trying to keep everyone around us from noticing anything was wrong. We've been so polite to each other that it's almost painful, even more polite than we were when we shot the pilot and we still didn't know anything besides each other's names. That's probably enough to start everybody talking, but right now I really don't care.

I've spent every lunch and any break from filming in my trailer. Yeah, I know, I'm hiding, but if I don't, I'll probably end up shoving J up against a wall and kissing the daylights out of him, or begging him to fuck me again. And as much as it sucks that I've lost the guy I love, it sucks even more that I've lost my best friend. Sex ruined everything, just like I was afraid it would. Like I should've known it would. So now I'm out a lover and a friend, and I can't really talk to anybody except Diana about it - J's out of the question, and I don't think my other best friend's that gay-friendly. I've never asked, but he's the kind of guy you really can't raise the question with and not explain it, and I don't want to lose him too.

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**March 15, 2011**   


  
**My Friends are the Best**   


At my session on Monday, Diana said that I should try talking to my best friend. I know what she meant, that I can use all the support I can get right now, but I had to really think about it, because losing him right along with J would royally suck. In the end, I decided to start with my ex, since she already knew about me liking guys. She picked up right away, and sounded so happy I almost didn't tell her what was wrong, except that she could tell right away there was something bothering me, and when she asked, the whole story just came out. It was a relief to finally tell someone, and it felt kind of good to have her get mad on my behalf and call J a few pretty nasty names, as well.

We talked for an hour or so, and after we hung up, I called my friend and left him a message asking him to call. He got back to me a couple of hours ago, and I told him about everything - the guys, the divorce, therapy, and J. It was like once I started talking, I couldn't stop, since I figured he might as well know it all. When I was done, he asked if I wanted him to come up, and I nearly said yes, but we've only got a little while before filming wraps, so we settled on making plans to meet up in LA sometime soon. Or maybe I'll go spend a week on his set in Portland with him. Either way, he really came through for me, and I feel crappy for having shut him out in the first place.

So now I've got two other people I can talk to about some of this stuff. My friends rock, and I should've trusted them with this a long time ago. Maybe I wouldn't have needed therapy if I'd been a little more open with them - or at least I might not have been such a wreck when I went, anyway.

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**March 17, 2011**   


  
**Worst Day Ever**   


"After we finish with the show, I never want to see you again." That's what J said yesterday. We had a stupid fight over a really stupid thing, so stupid and petty that I don't even want to mention it because I can't believe that six years of being best friends is ending over something like that. I didn't mean to start a fight - I was trying to help and he took it the wrong way and one thing led to another and then he shoved me, actually shoved me, and said that. I left. I had to, because it was either that or hit him, so I just left. Got in my car and came home, ignored the phone last night and called in sick to work for today and tomorrow, and hopefully by Monday I'll be able to face him without either smashing his face in or begging him to take it back.

It hurts. God, it hurts so bad. I feel worse than I did when he got married, bruised and broken and bleeding inside. Something died in me yesterday when he said that - whatever we had, whatever friendship we might have salvaged, he killed it with a few words and part of me wants to hate him for that, but most of me is too busy screaming in pain to bother. Besides, I can't hate him. He's a part of me, my other self, and hating him is like hating me.

This is why I don't like loving him. This is what it opens you up to. And this is why I'm not going to do this ever again. I feel empty inside, like nothing matters anymore and the whole rest of my life is just going to be me waiting for everything to finally be over. And I know that's not completely right. I know there's going to be things that make me laugh, people I'll want to be around and places I want to go, but right now, I can't really think about those things. Because I won't get to share any of it with him.

The most important part of me is gone now. He scooped it out when he yelled that at me, and right now I honestly don't want to keep breathing. I'm not going to do anything stupid, but I won't bother him ever again. He saw to that when he said that to me. I won't bother him anymore, won't even talk to him outside of work, just like he wants. I'd hoped we could find out way back to being friends, but he's made sure we won't. No matter what else happens, though, I know I'm not ever going to forget those words.

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**March 23, 2011**   


  
**Last Episode**   


We started work on the last episode today. It should all be over by next Monday, then there's the wrap party the weekend after, and it's all over. The show, J, everything - it'll be over. I know I should start thinking about what I want to do next, where my career's going and all that shit, but right now I'm still trying to process the whole "six years of my life being over in a week" thing.

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 **  
March 29, 2011   
**

**  
Finished   
**

It's done. We wrapped shooting for the day three hours ago, and that was the last scene. No more early morning calls or staying late for reshoots and voiceovers and promo shots, no more wardrobe fittings or hours spent in hair and makeup getting fake bruises and bloody cuts applied, no more grabbing the lowest calorie item from the food services table and wolfing it down in whatever time the director decides to allow us for lunch. I can sleep late, eat whatever I want to without spending two hours on the treadmill afterward (for a week, at least), hang around the house and remind my dogs who I am, maybe even do a little sightseeing or something.

Sounds great, right? I keep feeling like I should be doing a happy dance because I've got my life back, but all I can keep thinking about is that I'm never going to know if our PA's baby is a boy or a girl, and what she names it. I won't get to hear our lighting guys tell any more Helen Keller jokes, and I'm never going to see J again, outside of publicity stuff. And I have no clue how I'm going to handle that - if he throws his arm around my shoulders like he usually does, I think it'll break something inside, but the only other choice is for him to treat me the way we've been acting for the past couple of weeks, like I'm invisible, and that's sucked donkey balls, to be honest. So... yeah, no clue where to go from here.

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**April 4, 2011**   


**  
Ho Hum   
**

Nothing really to write. I slept until 10 and ordered a pizza, and now I'm bored enough that I'm voluntarily writing in my blog. It'll get better, though. I just have to get used to life when I'm not working 16 hour days again.

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 **  
April 8, 2011   
**

**  
This Sucks   
**

Being out of work sucks. I slept late the first few days, but then I couldn't get to sleep on time at night. Besides, the dogs don't like their schedule being changed too much, so I'm back to getting up early and taking them for a walk, then coming home and having coffee. But then there's nothing to do all day. I forgot how boring being unemployed was. I'm trying to be careful with money in case I don't get something right away, so I can't really go out, but that's okay because I don't have anywhere I'm really dying to go, anyway. So I hang out with the dogs and watch The Real Housewives and tell myself that I'm doing okay because at least I'm not as crazy as Kelly is. Pathetic, I know, but my ex loved those shows and she got me hooked. It helps a little to watch people who have screwed their lives up worse than I have.

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**April 12, 2011**   


  
**Nosy Therapists**   


Diana wants me to take the time off work to look at what happened with J. She asked about why I mentioned losing another friend and I had to tell her about Ben. He was my best friend in junior high and high school, didn't tease me when the other kids would put my modeling pictures up and write FAG under them, and I didn't mean to, but I started to crush on him. I guess my dick doesn't always know the difference between friends and people that it's okay to fuck.

I made a move on him when we were juniors, asked if I could kiss him and I was sure he was going to punch my face in but instead he said okay. Kissing turned into a handjob and after a few weeks of fooling around, I gave him a blowjob and he got me off in return. I thought we were boyfriends, was even working up to letting him fuck me, but then he told me he was taking one of the cheerleaders to prom. When I asked about us, he laughed and told me there was no us, that he wasn't going to turn down a blowjob, especially since I was getting good at it, but that was all it was. He said that I'd never mention it if I didn't want to end up with a few broken bones, and that was the end of that friendship.

Apparently I didn't learn my lesson, though, because almost the same thing happened with J. I should stick to the friends I'm not attracted to, like my best friend or my other coworker that I never wanted to fuck. Friends like J get me in trouble, but at least J hasn't threatened to break any bones. Of course, if he really wanted to hurt me, all he'd have to do would be go to the press and tell them about me. He'd have to explain how he knows, but I'm sure he could do that without outing himself as well, and he knows I wouldn't retaliate. At least, I think he does. If he doesn't, I'm not about to tell him, since that might be the only thing keeping him silent, especially since we're not friends anymore.

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 **  
April 20, 2011   
**

**  
It Can't Be True   
**

There's a rumor that J's wife is pregnant. She's been at his house since the show wrapped, so I guess whatever project she was working on got canned or finished or something. And there was a news item about her looking like she's gained a little weight and them being seen at this one doctor's office, so they're suggesting that she's pregnant. I bought the tabloid that had them on the cover - I know I shouldn't have, but I had to know what was going on, and now I wish I hadn't.

He wants kids, and he really should have them. I've seen him with kids - they love him, treat him like a giant jungle gym and climb all over him, and he just laughs and enjoys it. He'd be a great dad, the kind that has tea parties and makes crazy collages just because it's fun (probably because he's really an oversize five-year-old himself). Any kids he'd have would be so lucky to have him as a dad. But I think about him having those kids with her and I feel like I want to throw up. Not because of her, since she'd be an equally great mom, but because a kid would mean the two of them would always have that part of each other. I'm selfish enough that I don't want somebody else to have that, even though I can't. I know it makes me a bad person, but I don't really care. He brings out that side of me sometimes.

I'm trying to remember that this is just a rumor, but I know this is the only way I'll ever get news of him now. Gossip rags, tabloids, and news items - whenever he does have a kid, that's how I'll know. If he gets a major movie part or anything bad happens, I won't find out unless I read it somewhere. That's definitely depressing, to think that that's how I'm going to be able to keep track of my best friend from now on.

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 **  
April 25, 2011   
**

**  
What Doesn't Help   
**

Fucking someone else. Fucking two someone elses. Letting another person fuck you just because they're taller and stronger than you and they can hold you down like he did. Blowing your dance partner in the back of the club because he has big hands that feel good on your face. Going back to a guy's hotel room because he smells good and he promises to fuck you until you can't remember your own name.

None of it worked. I still can't stop thinking about J and wishing that all of those guys had been him. I'd trade every guy I'll ever sleep with for one more night with him. The guys I pick up are hot and good in bed, but none of them kiss like they mean it, and I didn't feel half as safe in their arms as I used to feel in his.

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 **  
May 4, 2011   
**

**  
Moving   
**

I've got to get out of here. It's been a month since the show wrapped, and I can't just sit here in my apartment and mope for the rest of forever. J's going to stay, I already know that. He has a house here and his wife and dogs are here, so I really need to leave.

I talked to Diana about it yesterday, told her that I don't want to leave, but I don't feel like I can stay here, and she said that a change of scene might be a good idea, after all. She found me a doctor in LA - Dr Todd, and she says he's a good guy, so hopefully that means he'll work with me the way she has. It's weird, thinking about going to therapy with somebody besides Diana, talking to them and sharing everything like I have with her, but the other option is stopping, and I feel like I need to keep going right now. Maybe I can stop soon, once I get my life back on track in LA.

My friend found me a lead on a place down there - he knows someone who's on the road for music a lot, and he might be willing to sublet his duplex. Either way, I'm leaving at the end of the week. It's complete unlike me to do something this impulsive, but I have the sense that if I don't go soon, I won't leave at all. The movers are coming tomorrow to pack everything up, and I'm leaving on Friday morning with the dogs. We'll probably stop in to see my friend on the way down, maybe get a break from all the shit that's been going on.

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 **  
May 10, 2011   
**

**  
Home Sweet Home   
**

Well, here we are. LA at last - and I'm not sure who's happier to be here, me or the dogs. They've been whining ever since we left Portland a few days ago, and I can't really blame them. They spent a week getting spoiled rotten with treats and attention handed out by my friend and his coworkers, then had to get packed back in their crate for the drive down here. We stopped several times, but the whining's let me know they're not happy. Plus, I think they miss their buddies, since they keep going over to the door and looking over at me. Or maybe that's just me missing J.

I'm glad we stopped, though. I got to spend some time with my friend, let him get me drunk without having to worry about what I might say when I was wasted, and I think we both needed the time to reconnect. He even told me that he'd been to bed with a guy once before, just to see what it was all about. He wouldn't tell me who, but I'm pretty sure I know - there was this one coworker of his that he used to be really close to that he hasn't mentioned in a while. I always wondered what happened to push them apart, and now I wonder if sex got between them and they couldn't keep the friendship together.

Anyway, I'm beat. Going to go pick up Chinese or something for dinner, come back here and try to wheedle my way back into my dogs' good graces with pieces of BBQ pork and lo mein noodles. Tomorrow I'll have to start unpacking and try to find a place for my stuff.

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 **  
May 19, 2011   
**

**  
Settled In   
**

It took a little while, but I finally got moved in. Most of my furniture's in storage until I find a place of my own, since my friend's contact ended up working out, but at least I'm here and the dogs are adjusted enough that they aren't running around looking for J or their friends anymore. I didn't even have to change my cell phone number, although I did switch to a contract that isn't quite as expensive, since I don't have to worry about international charges anymore.

The duplex is nice, bigger than I expected it to be, and the furniture was pretty obviously picked out by this guy's girlfriend or sister or maybe a decorator, but definitely not him. Too many things match for a musician to have done all this. There were fresh sheets already on the bed, and I've got a washer and dryer here, as well as a swimming pool nearby. Can't lay out in the sun, though - I burn like a motherfucker if I'm out too long and then get covered in freckles after I peel. Neither of those things is exactly good for a career, especially since I'm going to have to start going on auditions soon.

I have an appointment with Dr Todd tomorrow, and I'm trying pretty hard not to freak out about it. I haven't decided yet if I'll tell him about the blog and let him read it - it would make things easier, since he could catch up that way, but this is personal, and I don't want someone I don't like to see it. I guess I'll have to wait until I meet him to decide what I'm going to do.

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**May 24, 2011**   


  
**Fast Lane Already**   


I've barely been here two weeks and my agent's already hounding me! He says he's got scripts for me to read and stuff to talk about with my career, wants to sit down and have a meeting and maybe get me to talk to some writers and network people. I tried to tell him that I kind of want to take a break and get my bearings first, but he kept saying that we need to act now, so I said I'd think about it. I was hoping I'd get longer than this before I had to start being the performing monkey again.

Dr Todd's pretty cool, actually. He's a little older than I am, and his office is in a big medical building, so even if somebody saw me going in or coming out, they wouldn't know who I was seeing. There's security in the lobby, and nobody gets past without showing an ID badge or appointment card. That made me feel a lot better, knowing that he's already taken some precautions - he must have other famous patients. And boy, I feel stupid writing that, like I think I'm a movie star or something. This isn't Vancouver, where we were pretty big news; it's Hollywood, and next to Brad Pitt, I'm totally small time, just a second-rate TV actor. As long as I keep my head down and don't do anything stupid, I should be okay.

I ended up telling Dr Todd about the blog and giving him the address. It seemed easier - this way I don't have to actually rehash everything with J and my divorce and all, even though I know I'm going to have to deal with it eventually. Right now I'm still kind of burying my head in the sand and trying not to think about it. Sort of like my career, I guess.

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 **  
May 27, 2011   
**

  
**Getting Away**   


Dr Todd pointed out that I sound like I'm getting stressed out, and that's not good. He suggested I consider taking a vacation, and when I pointed out that I just moved, he said that wasn't to relieve stress but to run away. So now I'm online, looking for a place to go.

It's been a while since I took a vacation that didn't involve me going back to see my parents, or going to a convention, or just hanging out with J. The last time I took a trip was with my ex, when we went to New York to see a few shows and give her a chance to do some shopping. I'm still not sure where I want to go, but I know New York is out. So's camping or anything that involves me not staying in a hotel with room service and a bar within easy access.

I just called my friend, and he suggested that I meet up with him and his musician friend in Memphis. They're doing a show at the House of Blues there, and he said it's a great town to walk around in. And the food's really good, too. Sounds like as good a place as any, so I looked up the airfare and booked a ticket. Anywhere's better than here and having to listen to my agent bitch at me because I won't take every single meeting he wants me to.

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**June 6, 2011**   


  
**Back to the Grindstone**   


There were about fifteen messages from my agent waiting on me when I got back yesterday, along with a whole pile of scripts he wants me to look over. I'll worry about sorting through the scripts later, but I do have to figure out what's going on with the messages. Most of them were about Comic-Con and whether I'm going or not. The network's probably putting pressure on him. With this being our last season, I'm betting they want all of us there so they can do something big.

I've gone before, but that was different. J was always there to take some of the heat off me and make the long hours and screaming fans worth it. Now I'll have to get through on my own. I'm going to have to think this over - while I don't want to lose the fun parts, I really don't want to have to spend five days either pretending we're friends or getting ignored by him, while he gushes about his wife and how much he loves her every five minutes at every panel we do. If he's even willing to do a panel with me, that is.

Maybe I'll call my other coworker and see if he's going. If he is, I can hang out with him and his wife. Or maybe I'll get lucky and J won't go. He might have a movie or new series that he's working on, or he might decide he doesn't want to see me bad enough to keep him away.

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**June 15, 2011**   


**  
Decision Made   
**

I'm going to the convention. I talked to my coworker and he said I'm welcome to hang out with him, especially since his wife isn't going. She's teaching classes and can't get away. I also talked to Dr Todd, and he think I'm making a good decision. I don't know how much fun this is going to be, without J there to make me laugh or order huge amounts of food from room service, but I think I need to go. For me. I need to prove that I can do this on my own.

I called my agent and told him to let the network know I was in. I also picked out three of the scripts he sent, and he's going to see what he can do about getting me auditions. There's two TV shows and one movie, and I know my agent's pushing the movie, but I think I'd really rather have one of the shows. It's steady work, for one thing, and I like the way everybody starts to feel like a big family when you have the right mix. There's one show I really, really want - it's about a guy who loses his job at a bank, gets left by his wife, and basically has a breakdown and has to start over in the middle of his life. The writing's pretty good, but the main reason I want it is that I can identify with the guy, and I think I could do a really good job with it. My agent said I shouldn't have any problem getting an audition, so let's hope that works out.

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**June 20, 2011**   


  
**Big News**   


J's wife called. Or I guess I should say his ex-wife called. Their divorce was final a few weeks ago, she said. As soon as she told me I started wondering how he was doing, hoping he had somebody there to help him get through it, and I almost asked, but I managed to stop myself in time. I know it was rude, but I ended up blurting out, "Why are you calling me?" since I figured she knew about our fight. Then I wondered if she knew about J and me.

She said that she thought I needed to know, which makes me think she either knows or she guessed, then said that J could use a friend. But I'm not his friend anymore. I gave that up when we started sleeping together and then it all blew up in my face. I didn't say that to her, and eventually she hung up, but before we said good-bye, she said, "He misses you."

Those words shouldn't be able to shake me up after everything that's gone on, but they did. If he misses me so fucking much, why hasn't he called me? He was the one who told me that he never wanted to talk to me, basically told me to get out of his life and not come back. If he wants to talk to me, then he needs to be the one to say something. Otherwise, let him talk to his other friends - maybe he can find one of them to fuck now that he's divorced.

At least I learned one thing - she's not pregnant. She never was. It was just rumors after all, so I guess I should be glad about that.

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 **  
June 30, 2011   
**

**  
Bad Day   
**

I can't stop thinking about that call from J's wife. About him being hurt and missing me, and I keep picking up my phone to call him, but then I hear his voice say that he never wanted to see me again and I put it down. I don't have a right to worry about him any longer - what he's doing, if he's eating and sleeping right, if he's drinking too much. Not that I really had that much of a right to begin with. That was always his wife's position. I was just the guy he fucked on the side.

The worst part is that it's been almost three months since I've seen him and I can't seem to get rid of the pain that just won't let go. Is this what most people feel like when they fall in love? That sense that someone gets you, every part of you, that they really are the other half of you when you didn't even know you weren't whole to start with? Is it like this for everyone? And if it is, how the hell do people keep going when it ends? Is this why my friends all wondered why I wasn't that bothered by my divorce? Because this feels so much worse, and I think this is what I was probably supposed to feel then. There are days I don't want to get out of bed, just want to curl up into a little ball and let the world go on without me. Most times I force myself out because I have to - the dogs need to be walked, I need food, I've got an audition, stuff like that.

But today I didn't want to even try. I managed to take the dogs out for their walk and the second we got back home, I curled up on the couch, turned the AC on high, and piled on about three blankets, then spent the day watching movies and wishing I could just make the whole thing stop. I hate hurting like this, hate knowing that the simple fact of him being in pain can hurt me over a thousand miles away, hate that there's nothing I can do to help, hate that I can't even tell him I'm sorry about his divorce because he doesn't ever want to speak to me again, hate it, hate it, hate it. And I think I hate him a little for it, as well.

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 **  
July 7, 2011   
**

  
**Getting Ready**   


Dr Todd wanted to talk about Comic-Con today. I told him that I'm not sure I'm ready to see J again, so we went through a few scenarios to try to get me prepared for it. It's weird, talking to my therapist like he's J, trying to pretend that it isn't just a bunch of nonsense, but I'm glad we did it. Even knowing it wasn't real didn't make it not hurt when he told me to get lost because he hated me, but at least I've heard the words and I can deal with them now if I have to. And it helped to have Dr Todd tell me he thinks I'm going to be okay.

I think between the practice and the noise that always goes along with the convention and everything else on top of it, I really will be. And if I'm not, I know I've got Dr Todd and my ex and my friends to help get me through it. I still don't feel ready, but I feel better about it.

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**July 12, 2011**   


**  
I Got It!   
**

My agent called today - Ian's mine! That's the part I wanted, the guy who's starting over with his life. The show's working title is Roadmaps, but given how TV usually works, they'll probably change that at least twice before they actually do anything with it. Assuming the pilot gets picked up, that is. But hey, it's work and I got it, so I'm counting this as a win.

And that's not all, either. My agent said Gary Ross was pretty impressed with my audition, because there's a part in The Hunger Games that I'm being seriously considered for as well, but I'd really prefer the show. Hopefully it'll get picked up - it's even filming around LA, so I won't have to move again! God, please let this work out. I can use some good news right now.

They're going to film the pilot next month, and apparently there's some interest in it from my old show's network, probably as a midseason replacement, since it's a little late to be shooting a new pilot and get it ready for a fall start unless they're pushing because they really like it. That, or they already know that one of their new shows sucks enough that they think it's going to bomb right out of the gate. Either way, here's hoping it ends up as long term work.

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 **  
July 20, 2011   
**

**  
Tomorrow   
**

I'm going to see J tomorrow. Flying down to San Diego in the morning on the early commuter flight, then I'll check into the hotel and do the whole register thing, and we're supposed to do a few photos and autographs tomorrow afternoon before dinner. They went ahead and scheduled two joint panels, one Friday and one Saturday, and a breakfast with fans on Sunday. Those are usually pretty cool - not too many people, and I actually get to talk to them when we do our walkaround.

The big question for me is what it's going to be like to see J again, if he's going to talk to me or turn a cold shoulder, and what's going to happen if he does either. I feel really stupid, getting nervous about seeing someone I used to spend every day with, hell, somebody I used to live with, for God's sake, but that was before we got stupid and ruined our friendship and everything went to hell.

He's divorced now. I have to keep reminding myself that it doesn't make a difference, because he still told me to get out of his life. But for some reason, I just can't stop thinking about what his wife said. "He misses you." I miss him too.

Posted at 06:19 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Edit Entry | Edit Tags | Add to Memories | Share | Track This

  
 **  
July 25, 2011   
**

**  
Wow   
**

Back from Comic-Con, and I have a hell of a lot of stuff to write about, but I'm exhausted. Need to shower, eat, and sleep for about two days before I'll be ready to go over everything. Promised Dr Todd I'd put something on here when I got back, though, so here it is.

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**July 28, 2011**   


**  
The Whole Story   
**

Okay, I've finally recovered from the weekend, so it's rundown time. Registration took longer than I expected, probably because the volunteer that was helping me wanted to keep telling me how sorry she was to hear about my divorce. She made it pretty obvious that she was willing to console me anyway I wanted, but even if I wanted to take her up on the offer, she was way too young to even consider it. Like young enough to be my daughter young. It took a little while to get away from her without just being blunt and blurting it out, but that would've hurt her feelings, so I just smiled and pretended not to understand what she was getting at. But thanks to all that, there was barely enough time to wash up and change my shirt before I had to go down for pictures with J and the fans.

J beat me there, and I waited to see what he was going to see, but thanks to me running late, we only had enough time to say hi to each other before the first fan came in for her photo. We spent the next three hours taking pictures and signing autographs, and he did most of the talking, hugging everybody that asked, and it hurt because I remembered when I got a hug every time he saw me. Finally, we were done for the day and I was about to leave when J clapped me on the shoulder with one of his freaking huge hands like he used to do. "Are we eating in your room or mine?" he asked.

We ended up eating in my room. We ordered up from room service, and halfway through our burgers, J looked over at me and said, "I know it doesn't make up for it, but I was an asshole. I didn't mean it." And there wasn't anything I could say except, "Yeah, okay."

It was weird. After that, it was like we'd never had a fight, like the whole thing, from the making out to the fucking to the months we didn't speak never happened. J spent the rest of the weekend acting like he always does at these things - he told funny stories and acted embarrassed when I retaliated with a few of my own, he slung an arm around my shoulders during photo ops and interviews, and basically took over my personal space whenever he felt like it. And I'm pathetic enough that I didn't say anything, just soaked it all in. We had supper together every night, but we never really talked about the fight after his apology, and I didn't want to bring up his divorce, since it looked like he was having a good time. Besides, if I did, he'd want to know how I knew and I'd have to tell him about his ex calling me, and I'm not sure what kind of terms they're on, if he'd get pissed that she told me or if he'd be pissed at me for not calling him after she did.

At the end of the weekend, J rode with me to the airport even though his flight didn't leave until three hours after mine. He walked me to the gate and gave me his new phone number, then said to give him a call later. And right before I got on the plane, he grabbed me in a hug. I'd almost forgotten what it was like to get one of his hugs, how he wraps himself around you and makes you the whole focus of his world for as long as he's holding you. It was tough to pull back and walk away, especially when I knew I was leaving him alone and going back to my own empty place.

Posted at 04:22 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Edit Entry | Edit Tags | Add to Memories | Share | Track This

  
  
**August 3, 2011**   


  
**Mending Fences**   


J called earlier today. I guess he really meant it about keeping in touch. He gave me some shit over why I hadn't called, and I told him about Roadmaps getting ready to start, and he was really happy for me. That's one of the reasons he's such a great friend - he gets even more excited about me getting parts than he does about his stuff. I know I probably shouldn't have used work as an excuse for not calling him, but I couldn't tell him the truth, that I wasn't sure he really wanted to hear from me. Every time I picked up the phone and started punching his number in, I started thinking that he'd just been being nice, and I couldn't go through with it. Not that I'd tell J about that, though - no sense in letting on that I'm still incredibly pathetic when it comes to him.

We talked for a pretty long time, and it turns out that he's moving down here. He says he's hanging on to the house up there just in case he gets something that's filming there, but he's also looking for a place down here. I tried to ignore the way my stomach tied itself in knots when he mentioned moving here and told him that he's going to end up owning places everywhere, and he joked back that he's trying to take over Trump's real estate empire one house at a time. It was the kind of screwing around that we always used to do, back and forth, and it felt good to have it back.

Part of me wonders if I'm setting myself up for trouble, falling back into our friendship without talking things over, but most of me is too relieved to have J back on any terms to want to stir up trouble. I've missed everything about him, and while I know I can't have what I really want, I can at least listen to his laugh and know that I've made him smile, and that's worth a lot to me. I don't know if it's going to be worse when he's living down here, guess I'll just have to wait and see.

Posted at 08:17 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Edit Entry | Edit Tags | Add to Memories | Share | Track This

  
  
**August 9, 2011**   


**  
Back to Work   
**

I started work on Roadmaps today. There was a table read yesterday where I got to meet my co-workers. There's a girl who's going to be Ian's neighbor and romantic interest, an older lady who's probably going to end up standing in for his mother, and two guys who are playing his friends. They're all pretty cool, and one of the guys actually had a guest part in a couple of episodes from my other show. He's probably going to end up being someone I hang with if the show gets picked up, but he's not J. None of them are.

That's really not a fair statement, though. I mean, J and I had chemistry that was amazing, both on screen and off, and that doesn't happen much. A lot of actors spend their whole careers going from one part to another, doing their best to generate chemistry with whoever their costar is, and maybe if they're really lucky, they get close to what J and I had once or twice. Even if we still weren't talking, I'd want to work with him again - he's an incredible actor. We had a kind of interaction that really helped with character development, and while the actors I'm working with now are good, I don't gel with them the way I did with him. Maybe if I'm lucky, we can work together again at some point, but right now I'll just have to relearn how to act with people who can't read my mind. Good for my skill set, sucks for me.

Posted at 07:14 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Edit Entry | Edit Tags | Add to Memories | Share | Track This

  
 **  
August 14, 2011   
**

  
**Making Plans**   


J called tonight. He's finished moving into his new house and wanted to know when I was going to bring the dogs over to take a look at it. I couldn't really tell him that I'm not sure I trust myself in a private space like that with him, so I ended up agreeing to hang out with him Tuesday after I get back from the latest round of wardrobe fittings. I already miss my old show - I got to wear jeans that fit me just right, flannels and T-shirts, and comfortable boots that I loved. Ian wears suits with ties, dockers, polo shirts, and stupid yuppie yoga pants! I feel like an absolute tool in them, but I guess that's Ian. Here's hoping he relaxes and gets better as the show goes along.

I don't know what's going to happen when I go over to J's, whether he's thinking we'll hang out like we used to or if he wants to go back to fucking now that he's not married anymore. And if he does, I'm not sure I'll be strong enough to tell him no. He doesn't want a real relationship with me, I know that, and if I try to go back to being content with little bits and pieces, eventually I'm going to want more. But if I hang out with him, am I going to end up missing what we had and trying to get it back? Can I be just friends with him? I should probably call him back and cancel until I can figure out where my head is, but it's been too long since I got to spend time with him and I've missed having him around. If his ex was right, he's missed me too.

Posted at 10:06 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Edit Entry | Edit Tags | Add to Memories | Share | Track This

  
 **  
August 17, 2011   
**

**  
Reminder   
**

Dear Self -

I know you had a great time hanging out with J last night. It's good to have him back in town and living close enough to go to each other's places, and you can go over when he invites you for video games or movies or something, but you have to remember something.

HE DOESN'T WANT YOU LIKE THAT!!!

He's divorced and hasn't made one single move towards you. Obviously, whatever he saw in you is over with, so you need to let go of these ridiculous fantasies you won't admit to having. I know what you've been thinking about, and you're not going to get any of it. So stop thinking about it. Stop thinking about him and hoping for some kind of fairy tale ending. It's not a movie and he's not going to end up on your doorstep begging for you to come back to him.

HE'S OVER YOU, MORON!!

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 **  
August 26, 2011   
**

  
**Crossing My Fingers**   


We wrapped shooting on the pilot today, and now the waiting starts. I really hope this gets a good reception. Ian was a great character, and I think people need to see more guys like him on TV, guys who don't have everything together and are still trying to figure out how to make things work. His life fell apart on him and he's got to put it back together and learn to trust people again, and I can relate to that. Here's hoping the network executives can too.

Dr Todd didn't like my last post, said I was being too negative and hard on myself. He thinks I need to work on my self-esteem and use "better language in my self talk". Seriously, who talks like that besides shrinks? I can't imagine most people being concerned about how they talk to themselves, but maybe that's just me. Anyway, I'm supposed to be working on positive thought this week. Hopefully not laughing at my therapist for being concerned about my "self talk" counts.

I met my ex for lunch yesterday. We caught up on what's going on in our careers and lives, and it was nice to talk to her without the lawyers along. I know we've talked on the phone since the divorce, but this was different. She's still seeing the same guy, says she doesn't know if she's ready to get serious with him but he's treating her right, so he's okay by me. I told her about the pilot and she was excited, says it sounds good, and then I told her about J being back in town, and I tried to pretend it wasn't a big deal, but she's one of the people I can't lie for shit to, so I know she saw right through me. She didn't say anything, though, just gave me a look that let me know she wasn't buying it and said it must be nice to have him around again. When we got up to leave, she hugged me and told me to be careful. Sometimes I think she has spies everywhere with how much she knows. But I kind of like her being concerned about me, feels good to have someone looking out for me like she does. Plus, I know that if J steps out of line or whatever, she'll kick his ass.

Posted at 07:41 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Edit Entry | Edit Tags | Add to Memories | Share | Track This

  
 **  
September 1, 2011   
**

**  
Kicking Back   
**

The dogs and I were over at J's today. He grilled some burgers and we talked about getting some steaks this weekend and doing it up right. One of our friends up in Canada used to have a big party around Labor Day, and it was always a blast, but I must be getting old because a quiet barbecue with J sounds better. The dogs can play and we can relax with a few beers and a good steak.

Partway through supper, J said he wanted to tell me something, and yeah, okay, I braced for it. I knew he couldn't be getting married again so soon, since he's not like his buddy who put a ring on a woman's finger before the ink on his divorce papers was dry, but I figured he was seeing someone and he probably wanted to tell me before I saw it in the papers. Instead, he said he had to go out of town for a couple of weeks and he was hoping the dogs could stay with me. He got a part in a movie - nothing too big, but it sounds pretty cool. I congratulated him and told him I'd definitely keep the dogs, just like I have before when he was off shooting somewhere and I was still in Vancouver. He said if it got too cramped at my place, we could all camp out at his. It was nice of him to make that offer, but I'm not taking him up on it no matter how small the duplex might start to feel. I don't need to get used to being in his house when he's not here. It'd be too much like how it was when we used to live together, and that's definitely going in the wrong direction, especially since he's just being nice because I'm doing a favor for him with the dog-sitting. Anything else is just setting myself up for a hard fall, and I'm really trying to stop doing that.

Posted at 10:08 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Edit Entry | Edit Tags | Add to Memories | Share | Track This

  
 **  
September 9, 2011   
**

**  
Flying Solo Again   
**

J's gone to his location shoot. He brought the dogs by last night and stayed long enough to order pizza and eat, then had to go back home and finish packing. There were a few times during the night I thought he might be hinting for an invitation to stay the night or a ride to the airport today, but he didn't ask outright and I didn't offer, so he dropped it and left early. I took the dogs out, let them run around in the courtyard for a while, then got them settled down. It's amazing how four dogs seems like a lot more than two.

They eventually settled down in one big heap where it was hard to tell where one of them stopped and the other started. It was how J and I slept those times that I stayed over in his bed, and yeah, I got one of those little twinges that made me wish I could have it back, but I reminded myself that it's better this way. Besides, if it's going to suck to not have my friend around for a couple of weeks, how would it feel to have my boyfriend gone? Two or three times as bad, I'm guessing. I really don't need that now, so it's a good thing I don't have to worry about it.

After the dogs went to sleep, I flopped down on the couch with a fresh pile of scripts - my agent's idea. He's always pushing more work at me, says we have to take advantage of me being hot while we can. I think he's trying to make me into the next Tom Cruise or something, and I really wish he'd stop it. I know what I am, and I'm okay with it. I'm a guy who looks good on TV and I can act some, but I don't have the chops like Depp or the looks like Pitt, so I stick with shows and the occasional movie, and make a pretty good living. Superstardom really isn't for me. I got a little taste of it with my last show and it made me uncomfortable more often than not, so I'll leave the big roles to guys like J and hope that my show gets picked up and I'll have steady work for a few more years.

Posted at 08:29 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Edit Entry | Edit Tags | Add to Memories | Share | Track This

  
  
**September 15, 2011**   


**  
Great News   
**

Roadmaps got picked up!! The network's holding it until spring because they liked the pilot enough that they want to give it a good kickoff, but they ordered 12 episodes, and they said if it goes well, they'll be renewing in the first month!! I have work again, and it feels so good to hear that they liked it. I think it'll do well, since a lot of people will be able to identify with Ian and his struggle at rebuilding his life.

In other news, J is driving me insane. Like, seriously. He calls every single night to check on the dogs and talk to me, and if he doesn't stop it, I'm going to meet him at the airport with a roll of duct tape that I can slap over his mouth just to get some peace and quiet. I can usually manage to get off the phone in fifteen minutes or so, but I don't get why he thinks he needs to call every night. If he doesn't trust me to do a good job, then why'd he leave the dogs with me in the first place?!?

Posted at 05:11 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Edit Entry | Edit Tags | Add to Memories | Share | Track This

  
 **  
September 20, 2011   
**

**  
Second Chance?   
**

J wants to take me out. Like on a date. In public and everything.

He asked last night during his nightly call, said he'd be back in town next week, and then he asked if I was doing anything on Friday. When I said I wasn't, he asked if I'd like to have dinner with him. I thought he wanted to grab a pizza and do our usual hangout, so I offered to bring the beer. That's when he got kind of quiet and said, "I was thinking we could go out to a nice restaurant or something."

It took me a second to realize that he'd just asked me out, and I couldn't think of anything to say, so he started babbling about wanting a second chance and hoping that I'd give it to him and we could go out the way he'd wanted to at the start, and it took ten minutes for him to wind down long enough for me to say yes. I've got a date with J next Friday. I just hope I'm not setting myself up for a major fall again.

Posted at 08:45 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Edit Entry | Edit Tags | Add to Memories | Share | Track This

  
 **  
September 23, 2011   
**

**  
One Week to Go   
**

I talked to Dr Todd about my date with J today. He asked me if I felt comfortable giving J a second chance, and I don't know. Things went spectacularly bad last time, and I really don't want to get hurt like that again. I know the safest way to keep that from happening is just to stay friends and be happy with that. We've got a really solid friendship and we've gone through a lot together. I almost don't want to push it because there's got to be a limit to what we can deal with and still be friends, but there's that little part of me that can't help hoping that maybe J's serious, that I could really have everything I want.

Dr Todd asked me to think about the best it could get and the worst it could get and put it down here. The worst it can get is easy - we give it a try and the dating's awkward, we have sex a few more times, then it blows up and I never talk to J or see him again. I know if we got there again, I'd be sure to avoid any publicity events he'd be at and I'm sure he'd do the same. It was hard enough this time and things could get so much worse if we try dating in the open. Plus, both of us could see our careers tank, that needs to be added to the worst. We'd never get work except as campy gay friends or shit like that.

The best is harder. Probably because I tend to look at the worst. Dad always said to prepare for the worst and hope for the best, but preparation's easier than hope. The best would be that everything works - J and I end up as good as I always thought we could be, he turns out to be a great boyfriend and we move in together with the dogs and all, do a nice coming out story in some magazine that gets us tons of support from the industry and our fans and, stupid as it sounds, live happily ever after.

That's it, the best and the worst. The best sounds great, but the worst sounds like the kind of heartbreak that people don't recover from. I still think I'm crazy for risking it again, but that tiny piece of me that really, really wants the best wouldn't let me say no when he asked. So now I just have to wait for next week and hope that I'm not being the world's biggest idiot.

Posted at 07:48 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Edit Entry | Edit Tags | Add to Memories | Share | Track This

  
 **  
September 25, 2011   
**

  
**Can't Sleep**   


What the hell am I doing?!? I can't go on a date with J! I should have my head examined for even thinking about it!! After the mess we made of everything, how can I trust him again? I'm setting myself up to get my heart broken again, here. This is just about guaranteed to ruin our friendship - we're going to end up crashing and burning in a big way, worse than the first time, and there'll be nobody to blame but ourselves. I need to call him and cancel. He hasn't thought this through, probably just thinks everything'll be great. Assuming he really wants this to be a date at all, that is. He might just be looking at it as a night out. Except that if that's the case, why would he ask for a second chance?

Okay, so I called J and ended up waking him up, but he wasn't upset, just asked me what was wrong. And I don't know, but there was something about hearing his voice, obviously tired but still concerned, that made me relax. He often has that effect on me, calms me down when I start to get flustered, and he did it tonight as well, without even knowing what I was strung out about. We chatted for a little while and he told me he was looking forward to Friday when we hung up, and I ended up smiling from ear to ear when he said that. I'm winding myself up and I need to let go, just let whatever happens happen, and deal with it as it comes. I just hope to God this second chance doesn't end up being a mistake. Please, J, don't let me down..

Posted at 02:39 am | Link | Leave a comment | Edit Entry | Edit Tags | Add to Memories | Share | Track This

  
  
**September 27, 2011**   


  
**Trying to Stay Calm**   


Jesus Christ. Three days left and I swear to God, I couldn't feel more like a girl if I tried. I told my ex about the date when she called yesterday, and she wanted to know what I was going to wear. And I hadn't thought about it until she asked, but now I can't stop.

And thanks to her, now I've got to wonder if something like that matters. Is it going to send some kind of message if I wear jeans instead of slacks? What if J dresses up and I don't? Or if I do and he doesn't? I don't even know where we're going, and I can't ask without letting him know that I'm freaking out about what to wear, for Chrissake!

My ex told me to wear my black pants and green shirt. She says it makes me look good enough to eat, so I guess I'll trust her on this. Plus, if it goes bad, I can blame her for making me wear the wrong thing. Although if it goes bad, she'll probably be too busy tearing J a new one for me to really blame her for anything. She threatened his ability to ever have kids if he hurts me again and mentioned cutting off a few other vital body parts while she was at it, then made me promise to tell J about everything she'd just said. Have I mentioned how much I like her protective streak?

Jesus, a whole post about clothes. I feel like I need to go change the oil in my car or do something else extremely manly now, but I'll settle for having a beer and watching 24.

Posted at 08:14 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Edit Entry | Edit Tags | Add to Memories | Share | Track This

  
 **  
October 3, 2011   
**

**  
Second Chances Rock   
**

Just got home from my date with J. It was amazing. He took me to a really nice steakhouse and we both had great big steaks with some really nice wine and baked potatoes the size of my head. It was really nice, the kind of first date you see in movies, and I can see why he wanted to do this.

He was nervous, too. It was really cute, how he kept starting to say something and then cutting himself off, and I could tell that he wanted to do the babbling thing that he does when he's wound up, but he was trying to be on his good behavior. We went for a walk after dinner, and he kept brushing his hand against mine, like he wanted to hold hands but didn't have the nerve to do it. By the end of the night, I thought I'd seen everything until he drove me back to my apartment and then blurted out, "I know I said I wanted to go slow, but would you come home with me anyway?"

I wasn't about to turn him down, so I went in to get the dogs and we all went to his house for the weekend. J didn't push anything, was even going to let me sleep in the guest room if I wanted to, but I followed him into his bed and he didn't kick me out. We just slept together the first night, and I'd have been happy doing that all weekend. I think he would've too, but I kissed him goodnight on Saturday, and we ended up making love for the first time. It was so different than just fucking - people really aren't kidding when they say it's nothing like it!

We talked, too. I told J about being in therapy, although I didn't mention how bad it was at first. He'd just have gotten upset and that's behind me, anyway. He told me about why his marriage broke up, what happened between them, but I can't go into it. It's his story and I wouldn't feel right putting it here without his okay. That was how we spent most of today, making love and talking, and while everything's not perfect, I definitely feel better about it. About us, because J says there is an us, now. Actually, he said there always was, but he wasn't ready to admit it.

Anyway, this is probably going to be my last post here for a long time, if not forever. I don't really have to worry about sharing shit with a blog when I can talk to my boyfriend. That sounds kind of sappy, but I don't want to keep secrets from him, and this feels too much like one. I want to be able to share everything with him, and I hope he'll do the same with me.

Posted at 04:27 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Edit Entry | Edit Tags | Add to Memories | Share | Track This

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, so many people to thank. First and foremost, my incredible amazing beta, deomidaemon, who refused to let me quit when I realized that I had exactly eight days to write this whole thing and no real plot whatsoever. He then spent the following week reading whatever I shoved in front of him, making sure it read true to form for a guy and trying to steer me in a general direction of something approaching a storyline. Somehow or other, this story came out of all that, so I owe him big time for that.
> 
> Next, my artist fight_fortify, who gave me great feedback and then some pretty awesome drawings for the story. She was great, kept the emails flying thick and fast, and without her, the soundtrack would never have seen daylight. She even came up with icons at the last minute, to make everything extra-special. All this, and it was her very first big bang, too!
> 
> There's a bunch of other people as well: diachbha, who egged me on every step of the way, bellagattino , who's put up with my pre-posting nerves and chatter for the past week, and a very special thanks to wendy and thehighwaywoman for running the big bang in the first place


End file.
